Let Go of Certainty
A couple of years ago, I had an emotional breakdown. It was the hardest and most rewarding time in my life. Among many gifts from the breakdown, it gave me the freedom to let go of certainty. I can’t be sure of anything anymore, but I do have a strong hunch that letting go of certainty could help us in our individual paths to growth and improve society for the greater good.
I’m a strategist. It’s a profession that requires innate curiosity and comfort in a continuous line of questioning. Why, why, why, yes, but why… We strategists are fueled by not knowing the answers in the quest for critical insight. It’s in my DNA to be comfortable exploring the unknown. But somehow, even as I explored information, the world, and myself with this endless sense of wonder and unknowing–until my emotional breakdown, I still maintained space for enough certainty on certain subjects.
These certainties were handed down to me. They were taught as absolute truths and delivered with an air of superiority in knowing. Ironically, they were about faith. They left no room for debate or conversation around the what if’s. Beliefs held so firmly, it’s not fair to even call them beliefs. They dictated how a conversation would go, and dictated the nature of relationships between those who were certain of their firmly held beliefs and those who didn’t care to be certain. Certainties became obstacles to human connection.
In 2020, we were all forced to question so many aspects of our lives, at a personal level and at a societal level. Some of us opened up to the unknown with humility on bended knees. Some of us dug in our heels and tried to conserve a protected view of reality. It was a time that revealed the wide spectrum of human behavior in the face of change.
Those who raised me on their certainties found comfort in such certainties to explain the inexplicable happening in the world. And they clung to these explanations with rigidity and again, superiority. But finally, I saw how their certainties had affected my sense of self up to that point in my life. It was revelatory.
I looked back on a lifetime of holding and spreading certainties in the same way. I, too, had preached certain beliefs, from spiritual to everyday thinking, with a sense of all-knowing. I thought about the times I felt so sure I knew what I was talking about, that I argued and fought for my certainty to be shared. Finally, I saw how it must’ve alienated me from other people just as I felt alienated by my tribe–once I left the circle of certainty. I saw how dangerous certainty can be–to our relationships, to society and culture, and to ourselves.
After this revelation, I’m not sure I can be certain of anything anymore. The pain of the breakdown was the pulling apart of everything I thought I’d been so certain of and facing the fear of the unknown. The beauty of the experience was that in reweaving the threads of my life back together without certainty holding me back, I grew in previously unimaginable ways.
And even if I feel I can be certain, I reserve enough room for wonder and ensure there’s always part of my mind open to more learning or being persuaded. With wonder, we uncover new ways of growing into ourselves and in connection with others.
Certainty is the enemy of personal growth.
It’s in the struggles, the foils, and challenges of life that we are pushed beyond our boundaries and are forced to rise to a new sense of self. If we cling to certainty, we miss opportunities to push ourselves beyond known limits, into the areas of uncertainty, the places where we grow in unexpected ways.
When I let go of certainty, I embraced saying, “I don’t know.” For a type-A perfectionist, afraid of failure–even on the smallest level–saying I don’t know was liberating.
Certainty is a barrier to greater impact.
There is a powerful humility and vulnerability in admitting we don’t know the answers. And humility and vulnerability are critical elements to stronger relationships. Vulnerability, in particular, is a key element to authentic connection and leadership. So as leaders, when we let go of certainty, embrace and admit not having the answers, we open up the space for stronger teams and ultimately, greater impact by coming together for the answers.
And the reason certainty is so top of mind for me…I believe certainty–leading some to kill for their convictions, to fight to conserve their assumed reality while costing others their own pursuits of happiness and wellbeing–is at the core of America’s dangerously divided reality.
Certainty is dangerous.
Certainty creates polarity. It’s holding us back from finding the gray area–the unknown space between black and white for those who are certain the answers must only be found at their absolute end of the spectrum.
Rather than fight for our convictions, we should be fighting the destructive urge for certainty.
There are many things in the world I’m pretty sure I can be certain of, but I’ll always hold enough wonder to explore the possibilities of what I don’t know. Greater understanding will come in that exploration, whether I’m persuaded to change my perspective or not.
What are you certain of?
