Story for Stronger Connection
I know I’m breaking accepted professional and social protocol by sharing this, but I think it’s important. At the end of 2020, I had an emotional breakdown. One that left me spontaneously crying, sometimes in the middle of Zoom meetings, or in conversations where a colleague simply asked, “How are you?” I just wasn’t capable of responding with a courteous, “I’m good. How are you?” I wasn’t good–and I couldn’t hide it.
I’d arrived at a critical milestone in a life-changing journey that had started in 2018. I had been pushing my way toward realizations about my childhood and the adult-child behavior patterns I’d developed as a result. Breaking past self-limiting beliefs and growing up those wounded parts of myself was painful and destabilizing, but it was a necessary part of life’s process that I’m grateful to have experienced. It was an unraveling without which I wouldn’t have been able to spend the last year and a half weaving myself back together as the person I want to be.
I’m not sharing this to beat my chest on the comeback side of the story. I’m sharing in the hopes that it might help those who are also in the sludge and mess and difficulty of growth. And I’m sharing it in this professional context because this experience was a critical aspect of my professional growth.
I couldn’t achieve the level of change I wanted professionally until I did the work of looking at myself, my perceived boundaries, my blindspots and my context. Context does not discriminate between personal and professional.
Knowing where we’re coming from is critical to knowing how to evolve and get to where we want to be. But it isn't the norm to share our personal setbacks and challenges with the same vigor that we share our strengths and wins in the professional environment. I think that is holding us back, as individuals and as teams.
Each time we share ourselves openly with others, it creates space for them to do the same. I’ve experienced this firsthand.
Whenever I share part of my own story, the response is almost always the same. Often I’m told that I’m so brave–which says to me, we’re not accustomed to sharing and hearing each others’ real stories. And then more importantly, people tell me part of their stories. Not the small-talk stuff you exchange over drinks at a networking event–people show me who they really are. I feel honored by this level of trust and confidence.
Jeff Polzer, Professor of Human Resource Management in the Organizational Behavior Unit at Harvard Business School, calls this interaction a vulnerability loop.
“A shared exchange of openness, it’s the most basic building block of cooperation and trust. Vulnerability loops seem swift and spontaneous, but they all follow the same steps:
1. Person A sends a signal of vulnerability.
2. Person B detects this signal.
3. Person B responds by signaling their own vulnerability.
4. Person A detects this signal.
5. A norm is established; closeness and trust increase.”
The dazzling presence of vulnerability and truth-telling inspires us to let down our guard and reciprocate realness. And we need more of it. Especially in our professional lives.
In our personal spheres, acting on the call for change is a choice. But professionally, social growth is no longer an option. Across the globe, companies are reorganizing, reprioritizing, restrategizing and rehiring, with positive change as the goal. As a member of a professional network for socially responsible business leaders, I’m excited to see the energy and commitment leaders are acting with to become better companies for their employees and the world.
I’m a solopreneur, but I joined the group because I wanted the same level of accountability these global companies have on social progress through business. I want to be a better actor in the world–a better parent, wife and person–and a better business partner to my clients. And I have to say, living up to who I want to be is hard.
I could question every step I take in the direction of being better–every step beyond my comfort zone. Am I being the active anti-racist I need to be, or have I unintentionally or ignorantly offended people of color when discussing some of the ideas I’ve had in the spirit of allyship? When I shared my coming out story for a fundraiser for Girls on the Run, could that have been seen as exploitative? There is self-doubt. There are mistakes. There are embarrassments and frustrations. It is emotional. And it leaves me wondering, Am I acting on the call for change the right way? Do others come up against the feeling of two steps forward, one step back? Do we have permission to fuck up?
As I write this, part of me answers those questions with a gusty, “OF COURSE THERE ARE UNCERTAINTIES. CHANGE IS HARD, LAURA! The very essence of personal expansion is to push beyond our limitations into the unknown.” That side of me is right. It takes courage and fortitude to challenge the patterns that have constrained us all our lives. The other part of me says, “Maybe just don’t talk about it so openly. People will think you’re weird.” Damn that part.
We know vulnerability matters but there’s still so far to go when it comes to improving our professional lives by welcoming it. Lisa Schmidt from The World of Work Project says, “Often mistaken for weakness or fragility, vulnerability in the workplace is the root of authentic leadership and meaningful connection…While unmasking can be hard in all parts of our lives, it is particularly onerous in our professional lives where expectations to keep a friendly but cool professional distance with our colleagues, and project confidence and infallibility (particularly to those we report to), are deeply entrenched.”
Three and a half years ago, my journey started with a compulsion to discover and pursue my purpose. I couldn’t articulate why, where it was coming from, or where I was headed–but the one thing I knew was that I needed more meaningful connections in my life.
Since then, it has been a guiding principle for what I do as a brand strategist, as a storyteller, as a wife, mother, daughter, friend–and as a human out in the world. Insisting on meaningful connection with authenticity, and a no-backing-out-on-my-ideals mentality is what led me to that emotional breakdown. My own conviction forced me to see truths I’d spent my life trying to avoid. And the eye-opening experience left me grief-stricken for a long time.
This is my unmasking–a look at the realness of that struggle. I took both of these selfies in the midst of this debilitating grief. I never would’ve dreamed of sharing them with anyone, let alone on social media to my professional network. (My husband just read what I’ve written here and said, “Wow, pretty extreme. You’re such a private person.”) I took the selfie on the left in the middle of a gut-wrenching cry to remind me of how hard it was to push past the barriers of who I had been. I never wanted to forget the struggle and therefore, my strength. And I took the one on the right, only moments after the same sort of cry, to remind me of that strength and the beauty that comes from grief. Self-love. Purpose. Growth. Celebration for who I was becoming.
As I shared aspects of my personal story from the last three and a half years and received others in exchange, I realized my experience is not unique–we’ve all experienced our own traumas and grief. It’s the open sharing that goes against the grain and prompts exclamations of my bravery. So even as I soft-step my way out of this journey, I believe sharing my story–and igniting the vulnerability loop–is an important way for me to pursue my purpose of uniting people and inspiring meaningful connection as we move towards a better world.
We’re all responding to a call for change and being pushed too far beyond our current limits to miss out on the benefits of the connection that comes with a shared human experience.
